Saturday, December 4, 2010
Who's in the Mirror?
Mood: Deeply Reflective
Listening to: Knocking of Heaven's Door by Avril Lavigne.
If you're in for something light and easy, please skip.
I have no idea why I am writing this now. I am scared to jot my deepest thoughts here (who knows who's reading?), but I feel compelled to share this with you tonight. With this sharing, may my heart be freed of burden and may I feel a little relief. It's 1240am and I haven't had much sleep these past couple of days. I am officially an insomniac. This is because I've been doing some major thinking and reflecting lately.
Thanks to this blog, I found my other old dusty blog, which has triggered a series of questions about my self and what I want in life. The meeting with Dr h20 also amplified the effect of this soul-searching and future-planning, and the CDs I just made of the old songs just brings back the rushes of teenage (I am not a teenage anymore meh? *cries*) memories. It's like I'm watching my life being rewound and replayed really really fast.
I have managed to dissect and analyze the changes I went through pre, during and post-USA. I changed so much: some for better, some for worse. I can't say that I am proud of the person I have become or all the things I have done, but I will stand behind my actions and be accountable for all my mistakes. I do apologize if I hurt anyone in my quest to find what I am looking for. Truly....and sincerely.
Because I was not ready to come back home, my mind was set for the worst. I was constantly bickering and complaining about everything. I was self-absorbed, harsh and hurtful to some extent. I longed for the dandy life I had in Davis and if possible, I wanted to escape the responsibilities that await me at home. Upon arrival, I had to do major readjustments of my perceptions. All my expectations were not met and I wallowed in disappointment when things aren't as rosey. I wished for better places and things. I wanted to pack my bags and leave. I became a bitter person.
To make up for this bitterness, I tried to make myself happy with material things, food and superficiality. I love being prestigious and glamorous, larger than life. I look for comfort at the wrong places, with the wrong people. I let superficiality defines me. I'd push the envelopes and do things people in their right mind wouldn't.
It has been more than a year now and I have realized, that although I did put up a fight against being here, I know that as of NOW and TODAY, that there's nowhere else I'd rather be. My family is the reason that I am here and I wouldn't want to miss any moment away from them. My dad has come to be increasingly involved in my life and our relationship blossomed as we lean on each other for support after mom's demise. My sister has become my oxygen and my rock in times of need and she's been the person to call me out and tell me things I need to hear, however unpleasant it may be. My brother is a sweetheart who's never rejected me even at my ugliest persona and was always there lovingly and ready to advice me (terbalik kah?). I have many wonderful friends surrounding me: always so ready to share a laughter, an ear, or a shoulder. I love each and every one mentioned. In addition, I have met someone who has brought out the better in me. His contagious thoughtfulness, selflessness and carefree positivity has shown me the kind of person I aspire to be, though I know I have a long way to go.
I may be blunt, critical, antagonizing and pessimistic. I may come off too strong, aggressive and proud. I may be manipulative, insensitive, selfish, defensive and impatience. I may take it too personally and think too much. I may be driven by superficiality and hedonism. I may be narcissistic and uptight, or too self-conscious and vulnerable. The list goes on.
I am stating all these weaknesses because I know, Self-awareness is the first step to self-improvement. I want to be a better and healthier person: mind, body and soul.
This is a promise I make to myself:
I want to be a more selfless person: with patience and understanding. I won't let little things ruin my relationship and I will be less calculative of what I give. I will be more thoughtful of others and I shall be moderate in my spending and expectations of others. I shall not antagonize people and I will accept individuals as they come: reserving my judgment and criticism, unless called for. I will remind myself of who I was, when life was simpler and when I was happier. I will be more humble and forgiving. I will be grateful of what I have, express appreciation to people who love me. I will stop messing around. This list is not exhaustive.
Besides myself, I am also searching for what I want to do with my life. Keep my job or pursue a higher degree of education? Science or MBA? Overseas or local? I want to achieve higher things in life and I want to make the most of my ability and contribute back to society in some way. I don't have a clear plan at all but I've been thinking a lot about this lately.
Today at work I met an oncologist who told me of his journey to Ozzie, which was sponsored by local university. This option looks attractive to me, but I have so many hesitations. At 25, it is quite upsetting that I still don't know what I want to do. I enjoy and love my job, though I thirst for new things. What I am looking for is self-fulfillment. I have the affinity for knowledge and I want to go back to being a learner. I miss it. Nowadays the internet is my sole source of information, inspiration and mental stimuli. I want a challenge, I want to put myself out there and test my limit.
I hope I won't regret writing this down. All I want to do is to remind myself to be a better and inspiring person.
I am sorry if this somber post affects you in any way. Hugs.
Much love and care,