Who's in the Mirror?

She never stops inspiring me from above

Mood: Deeply Reflective
Listening to: Knocking of Heaven's Door by Avril Lavigne.

If you're in for something light and easy, please skip.


I have no idea why I am writing this now. I am scared to jot my deepest thoughts here (who knows who's reading?), but I feel compelled to share this with you tonight. With this sharing, may my heart be freed of burden and may I feel a little relief. It's 1240am and I haven't had much sleep these past couple of days. I am officially an insomniac. This is because I've been doing some major thinking and reflecting lately.

Thanks to this blog, I found my other old dusty blog, which has triggered a series of questions about my self and what I want in life. The meeting with Dr h20 also amplified the effect of this soul-searching and future-planning, and the CDs I just made of the old songs just brings back the rushes of teenage (I am not a teenage anymore meh? *cries*) memories. It's like I'm watching my life being rewound and replayed really really fast.

I have managed to dissect and analyze the changes I went through pre, during and post-USA. I changed so much: some for better, some for worse. I can't say that I am proud of the person I have become or all the things I have done, but I will stand behind my actions and be accountable for all my mistakes. I do apologize if I hurt anyone in my quest to find what I am looking for. Truly....and sincerely.

Because I was not ready to come back home, my mind was set for the worst. I was constantly bickering and complaining about everything. I was self-absorbed, harsh and hurtful to some extent. I longed for the dandy life I had in Davis and if possible, I wanted to escape the responsibilities that await me at home. Upon arrival, I had to do major readjustments of my perceptions. All my expectations were not met and I wallowed in disappointment when things aren't as rosey. I wished for better places and things. I wanted to pack my bags and leave. I became a bitter person.

To make up for this bitterness, I tried to make myself happy with material things, food and superficiality. I love being prestigious and glamorous, larger than life. I look for comfort at the wrong places, with the wrong people. I let superficiality defines me. I'd push the envelopes and do things people in their right mind wouldn't.

It has been more than a year now and I have realized, that although I did put up a fight against being here, I know that as of NOW and TODAY, that there's nowhere else I'd rather be. My family is the reason that I am here and I wouldn't want to miss any moment away from them. My dad has come to be increasingly involved in my life and our relationship blossomed as we lean on each other for support after mom's demise. My sister has become my oxygen and my rock in times of need and she's been the person to call me out and tell me things I need to hear, however unpleasant it may be. My brother is a sweetheart who's never rejected me even at my ugliest persona and was always there lovingly and ready to advice me (terbalik kah?). I have many wonderful friends surrounding me: always so ready to share a laughter, an ear, or a shoulder. I love each and every one mentioned. In addition, I have met someone who has brought out the better in me. His contagious thoughtfulness, selflessness and carefree positivity has shown me the kind of person I aspire to be, though I know I have a long way to go.

I may be blunt, critical, antagonizing and pessimistic. I may come off too strong, aggressive and proud. I may be manipulative, insensitive, selfish, defensive and impatience. I may take it too personally and think too much. I may be driven by superficiality and hedonism. I may be narcissistic and uptight, or too self-conscious and vulnerable. The list goes on.

I am stating all these weaknesses because I know, Self-awareness is the first step to self-improvement. I want to be a better and healthier person: mind, body and soul.

This is a promise I make to myself:
I want to be a more selfless person: with patience and understanding. I won't let little things ruin my relationship and I will be less calculative of what I give. I will be more thoughtful of others and I shall be moderate in my spending and expectations of others. I shall not antagonize people and I will accept individuals as they come: reserving my judgment and criticism, unless called for. I will remind myself of who I was, when life was simpler and when I was happier. I will be more humble and forgiving. I will be grateful of what I have, express appreciation to people who love me. I will stop messing around. This list is not exhaustive.

Besides myself, I am also searching for what I want to do with my life. Keep my job or pursue a higher degree of education? Science or MBA? Overseas or local? I want to achieve higher things in life and I want to make the most of my ability and contribute back to society in some way. I don't have a clear plan at all but I've been thinking a lot about this lately.

Today at work I met an oncologist who told me of his journey to Ozzie, which was sponsored by local university. This option looks attractive to me, but I have so many hesitations. At 25, it is quite upsetting that I still don't know what I want to do. I enjoy and love my job, though I thirst for new things. What I am looking for is self-fulfillment. I have the affinity for knowledge and I want to go back to being a learner. I miss it. Nowadays the internet is my sole source of information, inspiration and mental stimuli. I want a challenge, I want to put myself out there and test my limit.

I hope I won't regret writing this down. All I want to do is to remind myself to be a better and inspiring person.



I am sorry if this somber post affects you in any way. Hugs.



Much love and care,
Ferrarossa

I Hit a Wall!

Above: Me being melancholic at Lake Spafford, Davis circa 2007

Today is the 6th day of my new lifestyle change and I almost hit the wall. I had a mouth-watering lunch with the colleagues but I am proud of myself for not ordering any dessert or eating excessively*pat on back*. If you know me well, you know I'd never say no to a bowl of sago gula melaka or a piece of durian cheesecake *drools* but I decided all that coconut milk was too rich and I already had nice desserts recently. Oh anyway I checked the nutrition analysis of durian and it's not all that bad. It's actually very high in Vitamin C. That shall be my excuse to eat more durian dessert :P

Anyway, I am exhausted because my sleep schedule is totally wrecked. This is going to be a quick and mundane post for my health and record-keeping sake. SKIP SKIP SKIP.

Exercise: NA-DA.

Food log:
*Estimation only. I'm too lazy to use my online calorie counter. BTW it is a real helpful site if you want to keep a close track of what you eat: even the breakdown of fat, protein and carbs too. If I am more disciplined in using this tool I can say without a doubt that I will lose weight.

Food: Half a cup of rice, Nyonya food (700 cals)

Drink: Carrot Juice (150 cals)

Bread and beef floss: (250 cals)

2 shakes ( 3 x F1, 1 x F2) = 180cals x2 = 360cals

Fruits and milk= 200cals

Total: 1660 cals (more than I expected!!).

Basal metabolic rate: 1200cals


Fitdayfree.com calculates that I need to restrict 621cals of my total energy expansion to lose kgs in 12 weeks.

Time Span:	12 week(s) 3 day(s)
Pounds to Lose:	15.43
Pounds per Week:	1.24
Pounds per Day:	0.18
Cal. Restriction per Day:	621

Calories You Burn	-	Calorie Restriction	=	Calorie You Can Eat
		621		1,010

* Excuse the box on top, I don't know how to get rid of it haha.

So basically if I keep on eating the same amount I burn, I won't lose any weight. I can imagine how frustrating it is going to be for people on (crazy/expensive) diet who aren't informed about this. I shall be more careful tomorrow, which is going to be tough because tomorrow's conference will be laden with so much heavenly food! Be strong self, you can do this!


Other health calculator that calculates your protein intake, stress level and even HIV risk. FYI.

Muacks.

The Candy of My Eye

The misleading title has nothing to do with my entry today. It's just going to be another blah blah blah entry of me rambling on and on about how I feel and what I ate today.

Before I start the health talk, here are some of the things that happened today. I ran many errands and felt so productive. I finally settled all my car theft claim and it shall come in 2 weeks. I hope daddy is pleased, as he was pestering me forever for the check. Finally, I can breathe easy again *inhales deep deep*.

Today I was enlightened by an act of kindness shown by two people who hardly know me. As I was finalizing the forms near the insurance building, I realized that I was missing my dad's IC document. I don't want to drive all the way back to get it so I had to ask the favor of Mr Y who works with the company to make me a copy.

He was the one who approved my claim (thank you!) and was kind enough to meet me at the lobby and provide the missing documents. I handed him a Thank You note and he was very much surprised to receive it. I guess people don't do that much here, but I am going to keep this habit (?).

BTW be careful of insurance adjusters! I shall write more about this after I receive the payment.

Another one was when Ms R helped me verify the documents although I did not bring the originals. I was so glad that there was no hiccups and the forms were finally submitted. :D

Anyway some health talk. Skip if you're bored.

I woke up so groggy because I had only 4 hours of sleep. I was functioning OK and although I am very pooped out now, I can't believe I survived this long. I was running errands all day: sent the rug to the laundry, car tire check, grocery shopping, bill payment, and even squeezed in a meal with dear Janna [mille crepe ("a thousand pancake") cake is my new obsession. No pictures, sorry].

As usual I had Aloe (taste real bad in the morning), the Tea mix and a new recipe Strawberry Shake:

2/3cup strawberry milk
4 small strawberries
2 cutlets banana
2 cutlets papaya
1cutlet pineapple
+ the usual Vanilla formula

The shake was photoge(n/d)i (c/k). Must put pictures. Must camwhore.

photogenic
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vs
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photogedik (tau takpe. Translation: you know, it's OK)

BTW I found the scale for total wellness check. It tells you your weight, the fat percentage, Basal Metabolic Rate Calorie needed, h20 percentage, bone mass, muscle mass and I really want one! It is so useful to track your weight loss so that you don't lose just muscle and water, but mosy importantly fat. Gosh I sound like a health nut! I am so not one. Alot of people experience the yoyo effect if they restrict food intake or have weird meal timing. They lose a couple of pounds and gain them back in a week. I have committed the sin too but I am determined to lose weight healthily this time. I want to be slim in time for, who knows.... dot dot dot. Teehee *Slaps self* Daydreaming is fun, eh?

Anyway, the original price of this magical scale was RM 386 and now it is on sale at RM 192! Is this a good investment? I also want to check my daddy's visceral fat status! I want it!!!!! But I would have to wait until the moolah comes in mid Dec. *cries*

GOSH, this blog is distracting me so much. It may be a good thing since someone is away. Well, thank you Google for the blogotherapy!


Footnote: Physiological observation: Sweaty armpits (sakit ketiak), profusely wet scalp, thirst,flatulence (:P What? Don't judge)

The meal that fed my Brain more than my Tummy

Feast your eyes!

my fav dessert. Thank god H20 likes durian.

the decadently smooth hot chocolate: the ultimate comfort food

Despite my new lifestyle change, I would not deny my appetite the pleasure of food. I live for it and the secret is in MODERATION, as Giada Laurentiss once mentioned. Isn't she like the hottest chef alive?

Anyway, as long as I stay within my calorie intake I shall be alright. I don't want to be too obsessed or paranoid about what goes in as long as it is reasonable.

Be ready for some very self-indulgent pics. Skip if you hate camwhores.

Above: I guess face detection doesn't work every time, which reminds me of a funny quote (<-click to find out) that I can't write here.

Above: It was Bring-a-Kid-to-Work day! The kids gave me so much joy and sand art was a blast! I love my job. AND I WANT BABIES! hahaha. That shall deter the boys.

Above: I love this DIVA necklace. Paired with a solid-colored turtleneck, it adds the glamor in a night out ensemble. I think so. Tell me what you think.

Ciao bella. Work needs to get done. I think I am addicted to blogging.

Ice wrapped in a Towel weaved by Cachinnation

Sejuk gedi: 2007

I vow to make my blog as cheerful and inspirational as much as possible, but inevitably every now and then I'd get Life's wake up call at the most unexpected times! Overwhelmed with joyous emotions and new-found love, I forgot that I am still on this roller coaster ride.

It has been looping upwards in happy and giggly circles, I totally forgot about the roll of doom downwards. I guess this is where the "what not" part comes in. It's not all sweet and exciting : not just sugar and spice. Cheer up! Lighten up, self! You'll get back on the merry ellipse and it shall be cupcakes and lollies again.

BTW thanks for the reminder, Life. Prayers always.

In Loving Memory (video here)

p/s: Anyways, as I was looking for a picture of me with a lollipop ( I know I took one a looooong time ago but alas, found a semi-relevant pic of me with a sugarcane. Any sort of candy shall do), I stumbled upon an abandoned dusty old blog of mine created in 2006. I can't help but wonder if this blog will end up in the same fashion as the R.I.P blog. I forgot that I lived such a carefree and simple student life filled with home-made economic meals, budget purchases and wonderful companions!

May I never forget who I was, NOT Larger than Life, Just a Girl Next Door. Stay the same, self. Get back on earth.

Cheers everyone.


You may skip the part below.


Health Note:

Today I consumed 2 shakes back-to-back because I am planning to consume a normal meal at dinner ( Laksa Penang, wait for me!) as I have promised a friend for a rendezvous(?) tonight. I feel great though I have to complain about the everlasting thirst that manifested recently. 4litres of H2o per day isn't enough to quench my thirst! The frequent loo visit is getting to me now. What's up with my body? My theory is that it may be related to my blood pH? My coach told me that there is a condition called acidosis which may cause my lingering lethargy. This may be true, but I need a blood test to confirm such a claim.

By the way, I did 3 laps of jog around the park yesterday (thank you Rain Man for hearing my prayers) and I planned to jog again today, however it seems like Mother Nature is clenching to the watering can today *break out into a rain dance. Waka waka* Sweating feels good and I was surprised that my stamina wasn't as brittle as I expected. Oh well, a day in with a hot Milo doesn't sound so bad after all.

Note to self: Never forget my favorite Vanilla Shake recipe: 200ml water, 1tbs dried cranberries, 2 cuts of banana, 2 cuts of papaya, 1 cut of pineapple, 1/2 cap full of vanilla essence.

<3



UPDATE: In the end I managed to squeeze in 4 laps of exercise walking with my beloved housemate. It was a walktherapy and sweating feels healthy, though I had to wash my hair again!

Pictories

Tiger temple, Bangkok. Real awesomecoolfun times!

A Very Hairy Affair

As requested by my beauty queen cum make up guru soul sister, I have hereby fully utilized the versatility of this inexpensive headband I found in JB. It was only RM 15 (so cheap right?) and I have used it to add the drama factor to my outfit. I think the color is so pretty and sunny and shall look real good with deep blue or its (yellow's) complementary color, purple. When I first saw it I instantly thought of Ricebunny home-made chain headband:



So pretty right? Anyway I heart Ricebunny and have been following her since 2005. I grabbed the headband and came up with a couple of ways to style this chained headband.






Opss I totally suck the bandwidth out of Google to upload this humongous picture! Hahaha

Anyway lets do some health talk:

Today I woke up feeling totally energized and in a pretty pleasant mood. I believe the Fish Oil helps improve my mood. I used to be so grumpy, pessimistic and anal about the littlest things but thanks to the mood booster, Omega 3 gives me happiness- like literally! However, I am not about to make a sweeping and unproven claim. Go read about how fishies can contribute to improved brain function here and here. *fish burps*

Besides, I am also taking some EPO and ganoderma (sworn by Daddy for health purposes although I haven't a clue how it works and am too lazy to do research on it). I just want to get back on the pink health and live like a young person. It's not so hard to do. By the way I was curious of the connection between the food we eat and the mood that may be affected so I found this super interesting article. In short, here are the stuff you need to consume to boost certain mood:

"source: http://www.more2hug.com/moodfood.html

Smart:

Eggs, milk, liver, beef - According to research studies, these foods contain choline. Adults performed better in memory tests after eating foods containing choline. If you have a presentation or exam in the morning, make yourself an omelet for breakfast.

Prunes - Prunes contain twice the antioxidant of most other fruits. Antioxidant-rich diets disable reactive oxygen molecules linked to memory loss and mental deterioration.

Oatmeal - Foods that are low in fat and contain whole-grain carbohydrates give your brain memory-enhancing glucose.

Alert:

Apples, grape juice, avocadoes and broccoli - These foods contain Boron, which is responsible for hand-eye co-ordination, attention and short-term memory. Boron-rich foods also maintain healthy bone and blood-sugar levels.

Lemons - The smell of lemons can induce the feeling of alertness.

Energized:

Oranges, apples, soy milk and yogurt - These foods are slow digesting carbohydrates and can supply a steady source of fuel for your body.

Sunflower seeds - Sunflower seeds contain magnesium which helps maintain normal muscle and nerve function, and keeps heart rhythm steady and bones strong. It is also involved in energy metabolism and protein synthesis. Just a handful of sunflower seeds will give you half of your daily magnesium needs.

Tuna - Tuna makes a great lunch or after-workout meal. Tuna contains the protein needed to repair muscles and it supplies tyrosine which your body can then use to create the two alertness neurotransmitters, dopamine and norepinephrine.

Happy:

Salmon - Salmon or any other cold-water fish contains the mood-elevating vitamin B12 as well as omega-3 fatty acids that may assist in preventing depression. Omega-3 raises serotonin levels in the brain. Serotonin regulates mood and reduces irritability. Eating fish to regulate your mood isn't instantaneous, it is a long-term process and therefore it would be beneficial to regularly incorporate fish into your diet.

Bananas - Bananas contain vitamin B6, which is known to build serotonin levels. If you regularly drink alcohol or if you are taking birth control pills, you could be depleting your body of vitamin B6.

Chicken livers - Chicken livers are high in folic acid, which promotes the brain's production of feel-good neurotransmitters.

Sexy

Nuts - An amino acid called L-arginine found in nuts and sesame seeds enhances blood flow throughout your body, including the genital area. Eggs and meat also contain small amounts of L-arginine. There are studies that have focused on this amino acid and its role in treating erectile dysfunction.

Chocolate - Yes! Everyone's favorite! This treat releases pleasure-enhancing endorphins into the brain and also contains phenylethylamine, a stimulant associated with love and sexual attraction."

Today I ate some carrot juice, leftover pancake from light years ago and an apple. I am now hungry so I shall scrounge for something else to munch on.

I have made a pact with my housemate to go JOGGING this evening (if weather permits!). Having someone to work out with shall improve my compliance in exercise. I see no point in getting a gym membership just yet. I shall persevere !!!

I drank the aloe+tea in the morning and mixed my cappuccino shake with some frozen fruits which makes for a pretty yummy drink.

Pray that I will jog today and please scold me if I don't. Toodleloo!

p/s: thanks kakak for the earrings from Hong Kong!


UPDATE: Although it poured just now, I managed to jog 3 laps at the park near my house. My stamina is better than I expected and sweating feels good. I need new running shoes and proper sporty outfit!!! Health Note: consumed 2 more shakes. I found a perfect recipe that used dried cranberries.

Current Obsessions

Tissue, Tea and Sympathy

Well well well...How do I write this without coming off as a mean person? I don't think there is a way to go about this!

Disclaimer: Read with Discretion. Bold Language ahead. You eat cabai you feel hot lah!






Dear little crybaby,

So Boo hoo! You made a terrible mistake in your life and now you regretted what you've done and you wish you can turn back time and redo it ALL over again.

Pardon me but I've got news for you honey: the milk is spilled and it has already turned sour: planet's rule of irreversibility.

You developed a Victim Complex and wallow in deep self-pity and vulnerability. You get your ways through manipulative tears and guilt-trips. Congratulations to the best Drama Queen in town! *applause* Your waterworks are impeccable and the timing is right on the dot! I admire you for that because I have to work my way to squeeze out my tears (usually as a last resort :P) and it is hard work I tell you, making myself cry when I am remotely sad. Haha.

I am far from perfect but I do believe in having self-respect. I want to earn my respect through charm and intelligence, not through eyeball juice. Why don't you try some of that?

Now c an you please get yourself some tissue, tea and sympathy... elsewhere....

HerbaWHAT?

I am a sinner of inconsistency and I want you to call me out if I ever NOT keep my promise to get healthier and lose some kg. I am uncomfortable sharing my innermost thought here but for the purpose of my health I shall keep blogging about how (in?)consistent I have been. I shall wallow in guilt when I go ashtray. Haha just kidding, self!

Anyway I started this new nutritional diet 2 days ago. I want to jot down how I feel and what I eat to keep track of my eating habits.

Well as of yesterday, I started the tea mix and aloe drink. I did not enjoy the taste of the aloe drink. It taste like some vinegar and chlorine (was it my tap water?), but I have to swallow anyway and hope that I will acquire the taste pretty soon *cross fingers*. I don't have a problem with the shakes because I have my own recipes to make them more edible and taste quite pleasant with fruits and low fat milk. As of now, I put different combos of papaya, pineapple, banana and strawberry. I froze the fruits so they won't go bad and kinda make the shakes cold like a smoothie. I need to keep the shakes interesting to keep myself going. I shall experiment more as time goes by.

I have gained 3kgs since last year and my body fat percent is not at a healthy proportion which resulted in my weak-ish immune system and lethargy. My health diary is as follows:

Yesterday: The tea is a diuretic and I kept having to go to the loo every hour and I consumed 4litres of water. I feel like it is detoxifying my body and the shakes also change my bowel movements. I can feel a difference albeit a little hungry at night.

Today: I felt most lethargic in the morning and I couldn't get myself out of bed. I know sometimes introducing a new diet to my body may result in some unpleasant "rejection" that shall subside soon (how soon? no idea). My body is in shock of this sudden nourishment it wasn't used to and I consumed 2 shakes, 2 tea mix and 1 aloe today. For lunch I ate some leftover pasta and in the evening I went to eat some nan tandoori (is it so unhealthy?). I shall not do evening meals anymore but it was a meeting with a friend, how could I not? As a food aficionado, the biggest challenge is to deny my palate the wonderful scrumptious food that it can enjoy but I will try adapting to this and having a "can-do" attitude. Chaiyok Chaiyok Self!

The blog is born!

Dear earthlings,

Viola! A baby was born today and named "sugar, spice and what not" because this blog is exactly that: a mixture of everything sweet, spicy, bitter, salty and umami (a new taste we did not learn in Biology. Were you aware?) memories that happened in my life. I want to keep a diary of my new diet-wait, scratch the D word-It is a lifestyle change so I can look back and see how it was and keep track of my progress. Also it is for recording anecdotes in my life so that I can wonder and say, "oh I forgot that happened" or "I am glad I wrote that down so I can reminisce the fond memories or remind myself of an unpleasant encounter that may just seem ridiculously funny after some time". Ok stop rambling dear self.

Basically it's gonna be a boring blog of my own schtuff so just press the "next blog" link on the top row if you're looking for something entertaining.

Toodles.



p/s: while looking for some (ir?)relevant photos, I stumbled upon a hilarious image totally NSFW (translation: don't access when your boss/parents/religious leader/people with uptight humor are around. KIDS BELOW 18 DO NOT ACCESS).

Link: Birth and Life of Male Homo sapiens